The fairytale genre will be referenced here not because I want to entertain you two but rather because a camping trip with a 2 year old and 10 month old baby should only ever take place in our imaginations!!!!!!
When said trip was propositioned to me months in advance I jumped on it. My dad and his wife, my sister and her family-this meant 4 adults and 2 kids helping entertain and look after my kids; yes you might say this was a "rookie" move. I was confused. I was liking a camping trip with kids to having round the clock Nannies....or maybe even a vacation where I send my kids away ( I realise now that-that is actually "camp" NOT, I repeat, NOT CAMPING!).
The night before departure I received a little "blessing in disguise" TWO SICK KIDS. Now, kids don't judge me, sick kids meant that I could drug you both, black out the back seat, put soothers in your mouths and drive in peace and delightful quiet! And that is exactly what I did! 4 hours and not a peep! 4 hours and not even one eye opened. 4 hours and I thought I had died and gone to heaven! I suppose this was someones idea of a joke-the calm before the storm!
I arrived! (kids still sleeping) I waved to Grandma and Grandpa (kids still sleeping) I parked (kids still sleeping) I turned off the engine (kids screaming). At this point I should have taken a knee, submitted to my tom foolery and got back in the car and driven home. I have suffered my whole life from over confidence and was about to get schooled.
The first night you were both wide awake and wanted to be a part of the action. This meant a baby cage beside the camp fire. Oh how brilliant everyone thought I was pulling that out of the car. "What a great idea Heidi. Oskar will be able to play and crawl about without the risk of being burned, touching and eating pine needles...and on...and on." said one camp dweller.
Dear Lord why did I ever think this was going to be fun???
The plan was always to return to the campfire-it is both your faults that I was too tired and was asleep at 730pm. Just in case you need assistance seeing what I missed out on it was as follows: Smores, beer, wine, cards, good chats!
Day 2 (first full day) Grandma was a rockstar and had enrolled you in swim lessons. I packed you both up. Walked down to the pool-I was excited to be in the water with my girl-excited for you to learn to swim. The duration of the swim lesson was to be 30 minutes every day for 3 days. The 15 we were a part of-were life changing. I will venture a prediction that although you love the water you will not be an Olympic swimmer.
If you are ever looking for a core workout-please, by all means, borrow a child of mine-the struggle to keep them still and head above water in the pool will be like a 2 hour TRX class.
Thank goodness you both tuckered yourselves out with the constant crying. You were exhausted refusing to smile. Fatigued through refusal to share, hug, play, talk, take a soother out of your mouths....wiped out by being complete assholes! Bedtime was a precise 7pm.(maybe you both being sick was not a blessing-I am an idiot for thinking so-sick kids=KIDIOTS! Childrasses!
You must have been happy to sleep so early because you had plans of your own. How delighted I was when Ila began her rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on repeat at 2am. This woke up Oskar, Me and pretty much every one else-this was only cute for about 10 minutes....after that your voice was annoying. At 3am when I said you were killing me you kissed my forehead and said "All better?" I smiled and then thought about 100 ways to end my misery....I am not sure Craig's List handles this type of issue?????
Day 3-Your Auntie let me sleep in. No point in rushing to the pool for a swim lesson. No worry about cougars or bears attacking us-your screams were enough....I am shocked people didn't pay me to leave. Now Oskar-what happened to you? You were so mellow. So happy. So content. Now if I even look away for a moment you are gone.
Chloe was on Oskar duty-her job: Make sure Oskar doesn't eat any nature! Now who said that if you do the same thing over and over and expect different results you are insane? Oskar-why might I ask do you eat dirt? Bugs? Grass? Rocks? Thread? Blankets? Pine Cones?? I am just curious if you realize that rocks don't actually taste good???!!!! You didn't shit out a bandaid-like a friend of a friend's kid but there was a multitude of vegetation. I am thinking the bandaid might have hurt less.
Day 4-The family Event. Due to a late nap I had to roll you into the wedding anniversary of my aunt and uncle like Jay Z and Beyonce. Your ride was covered in a UV blanket-you could see out but no one could see in. If anyone ventured a peek-Chaos! Tears! Thrashing!
I was no longer a Mother of two-I was now relegated to "handler" of Diva stars! Your LIST OF DEMANDS was anything but short:
1. Don't let anyone look at, smile, speak to, or nod in your general direction
2. Do not offer ice cream, chicken tenders, Mac and Cheese-none of these will be sufficient. (Do not remove them either-in case you change your mind)
3. Do not put on Barney, Sesame Street, Diego because I want to watch Sesame Street, Barney and Diego.
4. If "Star" happens to cry, scream, lie on the floor in angst of how the night is moving along understand that it is completely the "handler's" fault and thus she should immediately do whatever is necessary to make the "Stars" happy.
5. Be aware that there is nothing you can do to make the Stars happy.
Oh how wonderful a parent I looked. Such well behaved kids I had that night. Ila running around through the tables and choosing the exact moment of Grandpa's speech and song to take a dump. This might have gone unnoticed had you not announced it loudly and everyone in a 2 table radius heard and a larger population knew by the wonderful fragrance as I whisked you out screaming. Oskar, I lost you on numerous occasions and of course found you next to a power outlet every time. I am sure my Aunt learnt a lesson that night-Heidi and her kids are no longer invited to social events.
"Please (I asked a restaurant worker) do you have a drier accessible? If you do please please please-can you hear that???? That is my kid-please dry this so she stops."
I sat down and waited.......SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH The quiet was soothing and soon the aforementioned worker was waking me up-blanket was dry-I had to go back. No it was not common for people to come and have a nap in the diner. Yes it was the dinner rush. Yes people knew whose mother I was and therefore it would be overlooked. Nap duration-27 minutes!
Day 6-Drive home. Now, nothing, and I mean nothing serves a road trip better than a bum change on the side of the highway. It is during these (numerous) times when I struggle with my anti-littering stance. Yes that diaper travelled with us a ways!
Lesson Learnt: I will never do that again! Well unless they invite me back next year.
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