Parental Failures

I guess an apology is in order-so I am so sorry that you both are normal and average. I knew it was going to be that way the day we were at the Zoo and I was pointing out the animals-"There's a Ginormous Elephant!" I wouldn't have thought that this was a disservice to your educations had there not been a woman to my right also pointing out the animals to her kids.

You see kids that Crazy Mom Who HOME SCHOOLS and then wonders why her child doesn't know how to be around other kids (HEY FOLKS SO WHAT IF YOUR KID IS GREAT AROUND ADULTS-HE/SHE NEEDS TO BE SOCIAL WITH PEOPLE HIS AGE-NOT YOURS) was saying the animal's names in English, Spanish, French and F'ing Mandin-are you kidding me?! Who has time for that? And if this child one day grows up to work with the UN will it be necessary to know the Albanian name for monkey? (Well maybe....Ju jeni një majmun). Sometimes, let's be honest, I will see a goat and say-look at them there goat-when the proper name is North American Hybrid Open Wood Mountain Goat-you can see where I went wrong raising you.

I apologize that neither of you are gifted!  Firstly, I realize that ALL kids these days are either gifted or have a learning disability and thus you are different because you are in the middle with no group to join.  I also know there is some weird two and a half year old living in Calgary who has been invited to join Mensa (www.canada.mensa.org)-but let's face it-that kid is weird, his days are filled with learning useless shit like who was the 7th PM of Canada....never in my life have I needed to know that tid-bit of info and you don't see me a member of Mensa for realizing that some bits of knowledge are useless. Bottom line-you most likely won't be inviting him to your birthday party.

YES, there was a moment when I thought things might be different for you-Ila, you talked early and well-then I remembered that everyone I know also speaks so this was dismissed as a non-talent.  Oskar, you crawled and stood faster than your sister-again I also walk so that couldn't mean anything...Then there was the swing in the other direction-the odd time you got stuck under a low table, maybe-every once in a while one of you might eat dirt, lick the Mall floor, put your entire head in the water table at the Science Center----still the things you can do evens out the stupid stuff. Thus, again, you're average.

I suppose it was my lack of ingenuity during my maternity leave that is to blame.  I confess that I did nothing but play, sing, dance, read and hang out with you.  I did not invent Baby Gourmet Baby Food and become a millionaire. I did not write a book about Vampire Love, or one about a Wizard Kid with a lightening bolt on his forehead-I did think about it but it seems someone already wrote a book about a game where kids kill kids and are hungry so I had no choice but to just be average myself.

I did not lie about you either-I did not and will not tell other Moms that you are something you are not.  For instance-Ila you stutter right now.  I think this may have something to do with your brother crawling and causing you large amounts of stress and suffering-I certainly do not guess or pretend that you do this because you have an extensive vocabulary and are so excited to get the words out that you stumble on them. I say own it kid!!!!!  Unfortunately there are other Moms that, when their kid bites, they say something like "Oh Johny is very tactile and thus needs to experience everything with multiple ways of touch-he's a genius actually!" and YES folks I did meet a Mom who tried to use this excuse as to why her son had Ila's shoulder in his mouth-the kid was 10 months old....of yes very tactile, I see an invitation to Mensa in his future or maybe even the next Doogie Howser.

 But kids-all of this aside, 私の素敵な小さな子供たちは、あなたが私の目には驚くべきです！

The Terribles.....

It is official!  I am now in the possession of a TODDLER! This tiny tyrant, whose head spins round, foams at the mouth, and back arches out of my arms in the throws of a tantrum use to be my sweet angel.

It is because of this, and this only, that my parenting book entitled How To Raise the Best Kid EVER has now been changed to Please Stop Being An Asshole in Public!  I must have been naive or in denial-I had seen these episodic examples everywhere: The tired mom at the gym wrangling her kid into a jacket.  The Child lying on the floor of Toys R Us crying...I had assumed that these "parents" needed to get their shit together and start disciplining their children-seriously if I could quiet 35 sixteen year olds with one look how could these people not control a pint size pest?

I have now seen the error of my ways. I confess I was a better parent before I actually became one.

I will give you credit you have transitioned me slowly-occassional outbursts, the odd dive to the floor, an emotional hit at me when you were over-tired. You were taken to the step (thank you Super Nannny), or airlifted to your room-within minutes returned with a hug and a sheepish I am sorry...I was becoming over-confident. (Yesterday at the park, after pushing a boy 3 years older than yourself-you said "Can't I just say sorry?") Dear God please help me!

February 2, 2012 however will officially be CHAPTER 1-How I Get Noticed.  It is safe to say that everyone on Flight 4456 to Puerto Vallarta remembers us-you just a little more than me quite possibly. How could you not be etched into their minds....

AHHHHHHHH, NOOOOOOOO, walking the aisles, the two person diaper change at our seats (a BIG No NO) because I could not hold you still, CRYING, grabbing and throwing toys, crawling over me, then Nanny, then Oskar, waking up Oskar, fish hooking Oskar, the tiny body thrashing against seats, stealing and sucking a baby's soother-then waking that baby an hour later by screaming right next to him...if I am ever murdered by a Sniper rest assured it is that mother's payback for making it the worst flight of her life also. When exiting the flight-the attendants, passengers, pilots, ground crew let out a sigh and hoped that we would not be at the same hotel or on the same flight home (Lord Hear Their Prayers).

I wish that had been a one time kinda thing however on the return flight a kind woman sitting across the aisle from us offered, and changed, Oskar's poopy bum so that we wouldn't chance waking you. Again, she will remember us.

I have to ask myself: -WWKMD?  What Would Kate Middleton Do?  Maybe if I focus on what her actions might be to quell future mishaps I will not have to look at younger version of myself.  The dirty look, reflected back.  The "Ila this is not funny" turned and in the midst of a screaming fit thrown back at me "Mommy you are not funny-go to your room." "Mommy you are making me crabby." and so on... I am sure when the Princess has children she will not yell "JESUS JUST BE QUIET" in the parking lot of Coop and will of course not have to wonder when her baby girl is frustrated at her younger brother why she says "Jesus Ocker this is unacetible." (spelling is deliberate)  I figure that this would resolve the issues that have recently come to my attention at the park. Ila you push, you are quite bossy, and very dramatic....yes yes you come by it honestly-I do, daily, receive the Oscar for Best Dramatic Performance of a Housewife...but no one but your father gets good seats for that performance.

If I look to Windsor, maybe-just maybe, instead of you not being an asshole in public-I will not look like one myself.

I will leave you all now with a Curtsy, slight head nod, and a gentle wave....