The Terribles.....

It is official!  I am now in the possession of a TODDLER! This tiny tyrant, whose head spins round, foams at the mouth, and back arches out of my arms in the throws of a tantrum use to be my sweet angel.

It is because of this, and this only, that my parenting book entitled How To Raise the Best Kid EVER has now been changed to Please Stop Being An Asshole in Public!  I must have been naive or in denial-I had seen these episodic examples everywhere: The tired mom at the gym wrangling her kid into a jacket.  The Child lying on the floor of Toys R Us crying...I had assumed that these "parents" needed to get their shit together and start disciplining their children-seriously if I could quiet 35 sixteen year olds with one look how could these people not control a pint size pest?

I have now seen the error of my ways. I confess I was a better parent before I actually became one.

I will give you credit you have transitioned me slowly-occassional outbursts, the odd dive to the floor, an emotional hit at me when you were over-tired. You were taken to the step (thank you Super Nannny), or airlifted to your room-within minutes returned with a hug and a sheepish I am sorry...I was becoming over-confident. (Yesterday at the park, after pushing a boy 3 years older than yourself-you said "Can't I just say sorry?") Dear God please help me!

February 2, 2012 however will officially be CHAPTER 1-How I Get Noticed.  It is safe to say that everyone on Flight 4456 to Puerto Vallarta remembers us-you just a little more than me quite possibly. How could you not be etched into their minds....

AHHHHHHHH, NOOOOOOOO, walking the aisles, the two person diaper change at our seats (a BIG No NO) because I could not hold you still, CRYING, grabbing and throwing toys, crawling over me, then Nanny, then Oskar, waking up Oskar, fish hooking Oskar, the tiny body thrashing against seats, stealing and sucking a baby's soother-then waking that baby an hour later by screaming right next to him...if I am ever murdered by a Sniper rest assured it is that mother's payback for making it the worst flight of her life also. When exiting the flight-the attendants, passengers, pilots, ground crew let out a sigh and hoped that we would not be at the same hotel or on the same flight home (Lord Hear Their Prayers).

I wish that had been a one time kinda thing however on the return flight a kind woman sitting across the aisle from us offered, and changed, Oskar's poopy bum so that we wouldn't chance waking you. Again, she will remember us.

I have to ask myself: -WWKMD?  What Would Kate Middleton Do?  Maybe if I focus on what her actions might be to quell future mishaps I will not have to look at younger version of myself.  The dirty look, reflected back.  The "Ila this is not funny" turned and in the midst of a screaming fit thrown back at me "Mommy you are not funny-go to your room." "Mommy you are making me crabby." and so on... I am sure when the Princess has children she will not yell "JESUS JUST BE QUIET" in the parking lot of Coop and will of course not have to wonder when her baby girl is frustrated at her younger brother why she says "Jesus Ocker this is unacetible." (spelling is deliberate)  I figure that this would resolve the issues that have recently come to my attention at the park. Ila you push, you are quite bossy, and very dramatic....yes yes you come by it honestly-I do, daily, receive the Oscar for Best Dramatic Performance of a Housewife...but no one but your father gets good seats for that performance.

If I look to Windsor, maybe-just maybe, instead of you not being an asshole in public-I will not look like one myself.

I will leave you all now with a Curtsy, slight head nod, and a gentle wave....