Marriage and Other Blunders

On the eve of my 4th wedding anniversary, I feel that it is only right to address this to you kids, and to tell you what is really happening with your parents while we try and raise you into happy, normal human beings.  I know that 30 years or so from now, when you are each having your first child, I will lie (or possibly forget) and tell you that things were amazing and that children didn't change a thing...and that kids... is utter crap!

The mystique of marriage and sharing 2 childless years with your father was no preparation for what was to come. We spent those short years in a haze of pressed clothing, romantic dinners, quick-spontaneous weekends away- until our life was throat chopped by a plus sign (planned of course).  How naive we were to think that we could keep the facade alive during pregnancy and after the birth-How were we to know that freedom and romance was about to be Genie Bueller (Ferris's sister) high kicked, karate chopped, and box shot into oblivion!

We had had a non verbal agreement about passing gas, hygiene and the like. We put our best faces on for each other-went for runs and worked out together. This chapter was slammed shut the first time the pregnant belly decided she controlled things. No longer was your father cuddling me on the couch-instead he was across the room trying to be free of my awful omissions.  Gradually the tight jeans were thrown in a bin marked "DREAM JEANS" and put in storage. Gone was the possibility of painting toe nails or tying up shoes.  It is not romantic, no matter what some rom-com tells you, to be in a store with swollen feet and to have to ask your husband to untie your shoes...all the while hoping that you don't fart while his face is dreadfully too close.

This, still, was not the worst of things to come.

Nothing takes the sex drive out of a marriage faster than coming home from the gym to explain to your husband that no you didn't sweat THAT much, that in fact at 8 months pregnant and still teaching a step class that you had IN FACT peed your pants while working out and that NO ONE seemed to mention this-and you always felt that pressure "down there" so NO you really hadn't noticed until the class was already complete. No, I was not the "mythical" horny pregnant lady that exists in men's movies to help them take the step into fatherhood by promising endless sex-if I couldn't see or control my bits anymore why should anyone else have exploring rights!

After you both arrived things were even more mountainous than the "getting ready." Suddenly all we wanted to do was hold, look at, check to see if the baby's breathing, show off the baby etc. Gone was the clean house-replaced instead by the forensic crime scene of cheerio dust and obvious struggle-why is it so hard to change a wiggling baby's diaper? At first we forgot about being a couple and instead were the parent's of Ila and then Oskar.  We proudly took thousands of pictures and emailed, FB'd them out-taking credit for how cute you each were-omitting the countless funny looking shots. We over-looked the exhaustion because of our little bundles of JOY...then we each, in turn, woke up after difficult nights-clad in spit up, poop under finger nails, unshowered and not caring-we realized, that yes, we needed a night out-just us! Instead of the 8pm reso-we opted for the 530. Headed down and enjoyed a liquor less (who needs a hangover when you have a 4am wake up call) dinner with the Calgary over 70 crowd.

1.5 hours later we were safely home-babysitter confused but paid-ready for bed.

You see kids-our new romance was being in bed asleep before 8pm.  Usually with kids between us-or with us in separate rooms cuddling with a little mattress tyrant. Romance was putting dibs on grocery shopping-so you could get out of the house and leave the kids with the sore loser. Romance was nap-time where one of you needed to be cuddled to sleep (of course who could help falling asleep as well). Romance was not having to participate in bed time routines. Romance was having 5 seconds alone to go to the bathroom without someone sitting on your lap!

Instead of subtleties-Sex was blatantly put on the table-"Do you wanna? They're asleep-MOVE MOVE MOVE!" We learned that everyone knew what this "new sex-life" was like-even the police man who let us off of a U Turn ticket when my husband explained that he was rushing home because I had just said yes there would be LOVIN TONIGHT! He looked at the two sleeping babies in car seats in the back, at me-smacked the trunk and tipped his hat as we sped away.

This was-is the new life. The better life. One where your floor is a toy minefield. Where your addiction to cigarettes turns into an unhealthy relationship with fishy crackers. Where you are woken by giggling and tiny footsteps. Where, when you are angry at each other, instead of yelling or slamming doors you spell out A-S-S-H-O-L-E and B-I-T-C-H. And still you quickly forget because your kids are having a tickle party-and who can stay mad when there is an opportunity to payback the little bugger who made you pee during a repeater knee. Where we must stand as a united force against you two or crumble alone! 4 years and we have a marriage full of joy, laughter, happiness, tension, exhaustion, frustration-exactly how marriage, and parenthood is intended to be!